NEWS
LINKS
BIO
POETRY
CONTACT
SUGGESTED READING
AVM
RESOURCES
NEWS
“Vanilla Milk has been honored as a finalist in the 2016 Independent Book Awards.”
Chanel Brenner's memoir told in poems, Vanilla Milk, was released by Silver Birch Press in October, 2014.
"Through poems and vignettes, Brenner’s moving debut memoir commemorates her son’s death. Brenner began writing poetry in earnest the night 6-year-old Riley died of an arteriovenous malformation brain hemorrhage...These free verse selections, mostly written in complete sentences, rely on alliteration, assonance and striking imagery rather than straight rhyming for impact. Perspective morphs subtly, starting in the third person and moving into a more intimate first-person present, with occasional outbursts of second-person address to Riley...A noteworthy exploration of a parent's grief."
--KIRKUS REVIEWS
"Vanilla Milk...is a surprising blend of formats which melds a memoir to poetry...Chanel Brenner is not the first to use poems to immortalize and capture the events surrounding a child's death: Stan Rice's Some Lamb is one example of an outstanding synthesis of poem/memoir - and Vanilla Milk deserves to take its place alongside it, on the shelf of exceptional writings."
--Midwest Book Review (D. Donovan, eBook Reviewer)
LINKS
MUZZLE MAGAZINE
In The Kitchen After The Child Dies
DEEP WATER LITERARY MAGAZINE
Back at the El Encanto Twenty Years Later
DIVERSE VOICES QUARTERLY
RATTLE
To The Frustrated Mother In Starbucks With Her Three-Year-old Son
A Poem For Women Who Don't Want Children
CULTURAL WEEKLY
FOLIATE OAK
THE COACHELLA REVIEW
WOMEN'S VOICES FOR CHANGE
CHOICES
LK THAYER'S JUICE BAR
SLIVER OF STONE MAGAZINE
Chanel Brenner was born in Redondo Beach, California. Her poems have been published or are forthcoming in Poet Lore, Rattle, Cultural Weekly, Diverse Voices Quarterly, Glassworks, The Coachella Review, Foliate Oak, Caveat Lector, and others. Her poem, “What Would Wislawa Szymborska Do?,” was displayed at the James Whitcomb Riley Museum in Indianapolis; and her poem, “July 28th, 2012” won first prize in The Write Place At the Write Time’s contest, judged by Ellen Bass. She was a finalist in the 2013 Rattle Poetry Prize for “A Poem for Women Who Don’t Want Children.” Chanel was nominated for a Pushcart Prize and a Best of the Net in 2014. She is a long-time member of the Los Angeles Poets and Writers Collective and lives in Los Angeles with her husband, Lee, and son, Desmond. Her book, Vanilla Milk, about the death of her six-year-old son, Riley, was published by Silver Birch Press in October of 2014.
Photo by The Pod Photography
POETRY
July 28TH, 2012
Winner of The Write Place At the Write Time's Contest judged by Ellen Bass.
It’s Riley’s second birthday,
without us.
He would have been
eight.
Instead of dead.
Instead of chalk dust.
Instead of oysterless chips of pearls.
Instead of a giant,
insatiable pit.
Instead of a collage of photos
and cutout red crayoned hearts.
Instead of our tears.
Instead of a vanilla birthday cake
bejeweled with his name.
Instead of a ghost,
haunted by us.
Instead of frozen
at six and a half.
Instead of this fucking poem.
A Poem for Women Who Don’t Want Children
Finalist in the 2013 Rattle Poetry Prize.
I won’t preach about the rewards of motherhood.
I won’t say it’s the best thing that ever happened to me.
I won’t say it’s the best job I’ve ever had.
I won’t say you’ll regret
not having a child.
I won’t say you’ll forget what life was like before.
I won’t say it makes life worth living.
What I will say
is my son died.
What I will say
is I would do it again.
I Have 2x the Love for 1 Child
First appeared in Cultural Weekly.
Since the death
of my older son,
I worry that the weight
of my love is too heavy.
I see my son hunched over,
carrying my grief
like a load of stones.
I worry he’ll learn
to bask in that love
till he sunburns,
come to crave
the sting and heat of it.
I worry that he is forming
like a rock in a river bed,
my grief-ridden love
rushing over him
like whitewater.
I worry that one day,
a woman will ask him
why her love is not enough,
and he won’t know
the answer.
Riley Died Again Yesterday
First appeared in Foliate Oak.
We ordered food from a place
we used to get delivery, before.
The doorbell rings and there she is,
glowing and smiling like always.
How are your two boys?
Desmond stands, close, so like his brother,
you could mistake him if you squinted.
My hand on his head, I tell her Riley died.
She goes dark as a sudden cloud,
hand over her mouth as she sobs,
she says, I’m so sorry too many times to stand.
I hug her,
and say it’s okay,
he was a beautiful boy,
and we miss him,
my arm wet with her tears.
She says she was excited
to see our order, to enjoy his running,
hug, and Spider-Man stories.
She says, My cancer came back
and almost got me. I picture
the last time they saw each other,
Death’s finger pointing,
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
Happy Hour
First appeared in Foliate Oak.
En route to a wedding reception,
my husband says, I think our wedding
could have been more serious.
I thought the same thing, listening
to their traditional vows, in sickness
and health, in good times and bad,
the bride and groom’s forty-something
faces heavy with the time it took
to find each other.
Just barely thirty,
we laughed through
our vows, like teenagers
at their prom.
The judge, not rabbi,
relayed stories we told him
about our relationship,
nachos eaten with knife and fork,
and how to get the last
Tic-Tac from the container
without slamming it on
the nearest hard surface.
Our vows consisted of promises
like sleeping by each other’s side
and laughing together.
We offered ourselves to each other
lightly as happy hour hors d’oeuvres.
I think about the vows
we’d make today
and wonder if a dead child
rests in the clause
until death do us part.
What Would Wislawa Szymborska Do?
Was displayed in the James Whitcomb Riley Museum in Indianapolis.
First appeared in Cultural Weekly.
Un-burn his flesh, return chips
of bone and teeth, powdery ashes,
like seeds in soil newly sown.
Reclaim his heart,
kidneys, liver, kindly return
the recipients their own.
Cross a line through the words,
He died, reclassify
Arteriovenous Malformation,
a work of fiction.
Tuck him back in his bed
to awaken from dreaming.
Create something out
of nothing, life from loss.
Isn’t that what poets do?
"These are books that I read and found helpful or inspiring after Riley died."
POETRY
Catherine Barnett, Into Perfect Spheres Such Holes Are Pierced
Ellen Bass, The Human Line, Mules of Love
Matthew Dickman, Mayakovsky's Revolver
Richard Jones, The Blessing
Dorianne Laux, Facts About the Moon
Sharon Olds, Stag's Leap
Rainer Marie Rilke, Book of Hours
Wislawa Szymborska, Poems New and Collected
Shelly Wagner, The Andrew Poems
MEMOIRS
Mark Doty, Heaven's Coast
Matthew Logelin, Two Kisses for Maddy
Emily Rapp, The Still Point of the Turning World
Robert Romanyshyn, The Soul in Grief
Liz Scheid, The Shape of Blue
Madeline Sharples, Leaving the Hall Light On
Carmen Gimenez Smith, Bring Down the Little Birds
Arteriovenous Malformation (AVM) & Grief Resources
Arteriovenous Malformation (AVM):
AVM Survivors Network--a dedicated patient-to-patient support community for families affected by Arteriovenous Malformation (AVM)
AMV Awarness Project-- a database for resources, information, and support for Arteriovenous Malformation, Aneurysm, and related illnesses.
The Aneurysm and AVM Foundation (TAAF)--focuses on public awareness, furthering research, and fostering a community of support for those affected by aneurysm and other types of vascular malformation of the brain.
Grief:
Journey of Hearts--An online healing place for anyone grieving a loss.
http://www.journeyofhearts.org/
Miss Foundation--for families experiencing the death of a baby or child at any age and from any cause.
The Compassionate Friends--for bereaved families and the people who care about them, following the death of a child.
http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx
griefHaven—providing resources to parents and others who have lost a child.
Chanel Brenner